Songs of a life
by Celine Janeway
Summary: JC Their life and the struggle to have a child.AU. Complete! Please Review
1. The Engagement

Disclaimer:Star Trek:Voyager and it's characters belong to Parmount and it's affiliates.I own nothing.The song lyrics belong to Clay Aiken and his record label  
  
Chakotay watched Kathryn walk to her ready room. The day had been average. Voyager had been in open space for almost three months and the isolation was getting to the captain. She had gone to shed her tears in solitude.  
  
What are you doing tonight?  
  
I wish I could be a fly on your wall Are you really alone?  
  
Chakotay soon followed her, giving control of the ship over to Tuvok. He couldn't stand to see her in such pain and loneliness. The door swished open to reveal her staring at the wall lost in thought. He knew how badly she missed home and how eager she was to get there. Her trip would be so much less lonely if she only let herself love him. Chakotay understood her need to be in control of a situation where she had very little but he would never understand her need for isolation from happiness.  
  
Why can't I breathe you into my life?  
  
What would it take for you to see that I'm alive?  
  
He slowly entered as not to startle her. She turned and tried to smile through her distress.  
  
"Can I help you, Commander?" she said acting as if nothing was wrong.  
  
Chakotay knew better.  
  
"Kathryn, I know you better than that, don't put a face on for me."  
  
"I know you want to help but I'm not even sure what I need right now."  
  
At that moment, he wanted nothing more than to bring her into his arms and let her shed the tears he knew she was holding back. But Kathryn was far too proud to lose control in front of anyone, even him. Kathryn's eyes wandered to the window. He walked towards her and placed his hand on her shoulder. She quickly shrugged it off.  
  
"Chakotay I...you know what I'm going to say." She turned her head and meet his gaze with her vivid blue eyes.  
  
"Of course I do. The words are burned in my mind forever. Last time you said them you broke my heart."  
  
Chakotay hadn't planned on having this conversation with her but if that's what it took for her to see how much he cared and truly wanted her to be happy then he was willing to reopen a wound.  
  
If I was invisible  
  
Then I could just watch you in your room  
  
If I was invincible  
  
I would make you mine tonight  
  
If hearts were unbreakable  
  
I could just tell you were I stand  
  
I would be the smartest man If I was invisible  
  
Wait I already am  
  
"Then lets not make this any more painful than it already is."  
  
She started to walk towards the door intending to enter the bridge .  
  
"Don't walk away from this Kathryn." He could not let this linger any longer.  
  
"Let's deal with this now" He was determined despite her actions.  
  
"No there's nothing left to say, it's over. I won't go through this with you again. There's nothing between us"  
  
"There's nothing between us! How can you say that If there were nothing between us then this would have no effect on you. "  
  
Chakotay took two steps towards her, ,put his hand on her neck dipped her and kissed her.  
  
"Damn it Chakotay, how can you do this to me!"  
  
The tears welled in her eyes despite her efforts to keep them subdued. She was silent for a moment , fire in her eyes. The tear lines on her face looked so out of place. Kathryn had never let him see her cry.  
  
I wish I could read what goes through your mind  
  
Wish you could touch me with the colors of your mind  
  
The moments passed like years and Chakotay was afraid to say anything. Finally Kathryn spoke.  
  
"What do you want Chakotay. For me to love you because I do. Do you want to have a life together, get married, make love to me right hereon this couch" she said every word with all the truth she knew.  
  
"All I've ever wanted was to be with you or at least know your happy."  
  
Kathryn walked to the couch and sat down taking in everything he was saying. She had to consider their history and there future and it overwhelmed her.  
  
"Chakotay, will you marry me" she finally said, her voice as steady as a rock.  
  
Chaktoay looked at her in pure confusion. First she wanted nothing to do with him and now she was asking for his hand in marriage.  
  
"Kathryn this isn't funny."  
  
"I'm completely serious, I've never been as serious about anything in my whole life. I thought about it and we're never going to get over each other. you know that."  
  
Chakotay pulled a ring from his pocket. "I'd hoped to ask you one day myself.'  
  
He'd had that ring for almost five years and never once got up the courage to present it to her. Now Kathryn was at a loss for words and decided to settle for a gesture. She took the ring and placed it on her left hand.  
  
"Does that mean you're saying yes" He questioned.  
  
She smiled and quickly replied "I do believe I asked you"  
  
Chakotay grabbed her around the waist and pulled her into a kiss. Kathryn pulled away after a second.  
  
"What's wrong" Chakotay asked.  
  
"I wonder who won the pool."  
  
"What? What pool?"  
  
The one that I'm sure Tom has going." She smiled and this time she pulled Chakotay in for a kiss.  
  
This is my first fic so I hope you enjoyed it Please review.There will be more chapters that will go through the wedding and so on. 


	2. Mislead

Disclaimer:Same old stuff. None of this,except the plot line ,belongs to me.Star Trek:Voyager and all its characters belong to Paramount.  
  
Kathryn stared at the stars from her quarter's window, unaware that she was smiling. They would never lose their majesty or their ability to captivate her. She was constantly daydreaming.about the wedding, their life together, and children. She remembered how Tom and B'elanna's ceremony had gone and she decided that she wanted hers to be on the holodeck. She wanted to wear a traditional white wedding dress. She wanted the whole thing perfect, Chakotay in a tuxedo, bridesmaids and a flower girl. This was their special day and nothing would ruin it for her.  
  
Kathryn asked B'elanna to help design her dress. The replicator was in for quite a task.  
  
"Captain, I really think you should wear an off the shoulder dress."  
  
B'elanna had very specific views on what the dress should look like, on what the whole wedding should look like for that matter.  
  
"Remember I'm still the captain on this ship B'elanna. I don't want anything to showy or extravagant."  
  
Kathryn had always wanted a simple white dress with a small ceremony in the countryside. She was getting the dress but the small ceremony was now her entire crew in the middle of the Delta quadrant. One thing that was the same from her dreams was that she was marrying a man she loved and always would. A man she would love to bring children into the world with. A man who made 70 years in space worth living.  
  
"That one, that's the one!" Kathryn said pointing to a dress in the replicator's database.  
  
It was a strapless floor length dress with a train that went on for days. The embroidery was simple and complimented the style of the dress. The back was lined with small white fabric buttons that connected to loops on the opposite side. Kathryn picked out a matching veil that connected to an up-style hair do.  
  
"Oh B'elanna it's perfect."  
  
"It is quite the dress. Do you want to modify any of it?"  
  
"Not a thing."  
  
"When do you want to replicate it?"  
  
"As soon as I save the replicator rations."  
  
Kathryn slightly turned her neck as to gawk over her dress and let her mind picture the joyous scene. B'elanna was awed by the expression Kathryn wore.  
  
*Please make her happy *  
  
That had been B'elanna's silent prayer since the Captain had  
announced her engagement to Chakotay. Though she would never admit it,  
she cared very deeply for the captain. She very much wanted her  
happiness, no to mention thatof Chakotay, one of her greatest  
confidants. He deserved whatever it was that would make him happy. The  
Captain would be that for him.  
  
"B'elanna" Kathryn said startling her out of her thoughts.  
  
"Yes, Captain"  
  
"I have a request.would you be my Maid of Honor?"  
  
"I uh.I would love to but wouldn't you rather have Seven be your Maid of  
Honor."  
  
"Seven will be a bridesmaid but you have saved the crews life so many  
times. You have saved my life so many times over the years that it would  
be an honor for you to be my Maid of Honor."  
  
"I am very flattered .I need to get back to engineering though."  
  
B'elanna stood up from the sofa and headed out the door.She gave Kathryn  
a look of gratitude and exited the room. Before she was out of ear range,  
Kathryn shouted "You can get together with Seven and Samantha later and  
decide on the dresses you would like to wear."  
  
* * *  
* *  
  
"Chakotay, it's a month until the wedding we really need to tell Neelix what kind of cake we want."  
  
Time had come and gone and the wedding date was approaching. They were sitting on the sofa in her quarters. Her legs were draped over his and light jazz music was playing in the background. Kathryn was as excited as ever and running on little or no sleep. Not that that was an odd occurrence for her. Chakotay however had been second-guessing himself.  
  
"Chakotay, Chakotay!"  
  
"What? .I mean yes"  
  
"What's gotten into you? You're heads always in the clouds when I see you."  
  
"Sorry, I've just got a lot on my mind"  
  
When he first began to feel anxiety he went to Tuvok. Tuvok was married and Chakotay figured he was the best one to go to for advice. All Tuvok said was that he probably had a case of cold feet and that the feeling would pass with time. That had been almost three months ago and he still had the feeling in the pit of his stomach. He couldn't tell if it was regret or fear or something else. He was the one that wanted to be with Kathryn and for them to have a life together but now he was the one questioning the relationship. Did he feel guilty for forcing her into a relationship with him and then pushing her to propose? Was this what he really wanted?  
  
Maybe things were just moving to fast. Chakotay listened intently as Kathryn read off a list of what the couple still had to accomplish before the month ended.  
  
* * *  
* *  
  
The sound of bells range through the crisp air of Ireland. The landscape was greener than anywhere she had ever seen. The church was located on a large ridge that looked over the ocean. It was simple but breath taking. When one first entered the chapel, they were greeted by a fragrant smells of floral. The building was made of a beautiful marble that bespoke of pure elegance. The most magnificent attribute was the clear glass that replaced the wall behind the podium. Through the glass three islands broke the horizon and brought life to the calm seas.  
  
Kathryn and her bridesmaids were dressing in a side room of the church. B'elanna, Seven, and Samantha wore light blue dresses that belled towards the floor with a ribbon of the same color tied just below the chest. The dress's straps were thin and crossed to form an 'X' on their backs.  
  
Her reflection gave little comfort. Her hair was in a French twist and her make-up done to perfection. But she was unable to detach herself from the image that stared back at her. The ceremony was about to begin. She didn't care. Her thoughts had consumed her.  
  
*Kathryn you can't do this to him. Don't break his heart again not today. You love him. This would crush him..but what about Starfleet and my crew and protocol. Above all I need to get them home. I have to get them home...Would being his wife jeopardize that?*  
  
She had been arguing with herself for hours and had gotten nowhere. It's not that she didn't want to be with Chakotay, she did. She was afraid. Afraid that being his wife would affect her command decisions and blur her perspective of situations. But most of all she was afraid she would lose him and maybe if she never knew what she was missing then she wouldn't be hurt if something ever happened.  
  
* No my pride isn't going to get in the way, not this time *  
  
Kathryn attached the veil to her hair and was about to make her way to the entrance of the church,where Tuvok was waiting to give her away,when she felt a hand grasp hers. * * *  
* *  
  
"Tom, I don't think I can do this." Chakotays's suppressed fears had resurfaced when he saw the chapel.  
  
"Can't do what", Tom answered naively.  
  
"Marry Kathryn. I just couldn't do that to her. I tricked her into this whole thing. I wouldn't feel right if I let her do something that I know she doesn't want."  
  
"Chakotay, listen to yourself! Where did you get these delusions? She wants to marry you more that anything. She's finally at peace . Even when I will younger and knew her she was never as happy as she is now. Not to mention she has never smiled as much in her whole life as she has in these past few months."  
  
"Tom I just.I don't expect you to understand but this just feels wrong. I have to talk to Kathryn."  
  
Chakotay stormed out of the room before Tom could interven. He made his way to where Kathryn was preparing for the ceremony.  
  
*What am I going to tell her that her feelings are unfounded and she has been deceived, that I tricked her into loving me? Am I saving her from a mistake or destroying her last chance at happiness? Do I even love her anymore? Is that were this fear is lingering from? Have my feelings dissolved over the years of rejection and pursuit of protocol? Even when I tried to hate her for not giving us a chance, I couldn't bring myself to feel anything for her that wasn't the deepest of love and respect. Even now I try to push her image aside but it continues to creep into my dreams. In the middle of the night when the slightest remembrance of her makes its way into my thoughts, I can't help but wonder what the future would have held if she had just let me love her from the beginning. *  
  
He loved her. God knew he loved her and nothing could ever shake that feeling. He was afraid that he wasn't good enough for her, that her feelings weren't mutual and he was trapping her in a relationship that served his interests and not hers. He arrived at the door that held Kathryn behind it. B'elanna and Seven wouldn't let him see her before the wedding.. He would have to sneak her out. The door creaked slightly has he made his way to the vanity where Kathryn was sitting. He lightly took her hand in his and made a gesture with his index finger that signaled for Kathryn to remain silent. He led her out to the Irish countryside.  
  
"Chakotay, what are you doing? The ceremony is about to start."  
  
"I had to talk to you immediately. There might not be a ceremony."  
  
"I uh I don't know what to.why?!"  
  
"I love you and want you to be my wife but I need to know that you feel the same way and that this is what you really want."  
  
"I wouldn't have asked you if I didn't want this." Her voice betrayed slight anger. She hated when he questioned her motives.  
  
"Kathryn I couldn't live with myself if you weren't happy and if not being with me is what makes you happy then I'm willing to suffer just to know that you are truly happy.I don't want you to marry me just because you know I care about you."  
  
Kathryn took his hand and stroked the back of it with her thumb. "Chakotay I have something to tell you before anything else happens today, before we decide to walk down that aisle or decide that we were never really destined to be more than friends." 


	3. Unity

Disclaimer: Same ol' same ol' Paramount takes the credit and I'm left in the dust with the rest of the fanfic writers.  
  
Author's Notes: Thank you for all of the reviews. I really do love feedback. I wasn't really sure about this chapter but I posted it anyways and I hope you all enjoy it.  
  
B'Elanna and Seven were franticly searching for Kathryn. The ceremony was to begin in less then ten minutes and she was nowhere to be seen. They searched the bathrooms, the connecting dance hall and even where the men where dressing. Little did they know she was right out side. Bearing her soul to a man she swore she would never get to close to.  
  
Kathryn was frozen. She had never been one to be at a loss for words but now they just escaped her. Chakotay rubbed her arm in an attempt to calm her. She was so afraid he wouldn't want to be with her after he knew she couldn't make him happy, couldn't give him what he wanted.  
  
"Kathryn, whatever you have to tell me I'll still love you just as much as I do right now."  
  
She moved away from him and stared towards the coast. The wind was lightly blowing her loose strands of hair. She wished she could enjoy the scenery; and not have to explain to him that he was making a mistaken by loving her, by wanting to be with her. But he deserved the truth and she wouldn't deny him that.  
  
"Chakotay, I can't make you happy. There's just so much I can't give you."  
  
She paused and took another glance towards the horizon. She continued speaking but her eyes never left the mesmerizing sight.  
  
"I'm so afraid that marring me would waste all the love you have to give. I can't give you the time and love you deserve; I can't give you a home. But most of all Chakotay, I can never give you a child. You deserve more than anyone to be a father to share your love with a baby. I can never provide that for you. I'm not about to let you waste your life on me."  
  
Chakotay gently held her jaw and turned her neck so she was facing him. He spoke softly with a slight whisper to his voice.  
  
"Whatever made you think that would even matter to me? I knew perfectly well what I was getting myself into. I knew that about you. I knew you where incapable of having children."  
  
Kathryn was clearly confused by his last statement no one knew about her condition but the doctor. She hadn't been this way her entire life in fact it had happened when she was a lieutenant. She was on an away mission gathering information when a plasma storm erupted out of nowhere. She was caught unaware and took a direct hit from a lightning surge. The bolt had affected all of her internal system but had hit her reproductive system the hardest. The damage left her so that she was capable of carrying a child for a short time; but she could not sustain the fetus for more than a few months. Her uterus just wasn't strong enough to take the pressures of a pregnancy.  
  
" I was a lieutenant when it happened how could you have possibly known?"  
  
"After an attack from the Borg you were severely injured and I had the doctor do an advances full body scan to see the full extent of the damage you had sustained. It came up but the doctor had ruled it as an old injury."  
  
"Why didn't you say anything?"  
  
"I knew you would come around in your own time and tell me when you were ready. Though I expected it to be sooner that five minutes before our wedding."  
  
He joked with her to try and lighten the mood.  
  
* * *  
* *  
  
B'Elanna ran to the entrance of the church and nearly took Tuvok's head off in the process.  
  
"What seems to be the problem, Lieutenant?"  
  
"We can't find Chakotay and the Captain anywhere. Have you seem them? "  
  
"No I haven't"  
  
"I don't understand what they could be doing when their wedding is minutes from starting. It's just like them to make a decision and not let anyone else in on it." B'Elanna's temper began to flare as she realized she had no control over the situation.  
  
"It's illogical to assume they didn't have a plausible reason for leaving."  
  
" Tuvok, I don't have time for your logic. I'm the Maid of Honor and it's my duty to keep track of her." She cursed under her breath.  
  
"Lieutenant, have you searched outside the church? Perhaps they are there."  
  
"No", B'Elanna felt rather ignorant. She had search everywhere inside and out but had not simply looked outside.  
  
She craned her neck around the door and her eyes focused on both Chakotay and Janeway sitting on a fallen tree. She immediately ran to where they were situated. She was oblivious to the importance of their conversation. She grabbed Chakotay's arm.  
  
"What do you two think you're doing? I have 146 people and one hologram impatiently waiting for you two to finally say 'I do" and you're out here chatting."  
  
Chakotay snapped his neck in her direction and gave her a glare that B'Elanna knew all to well.  
  
"B'Elanna, would you mind giving us a moment?" His voice didn't portray anger but she knew he was furious with her sudden intrusion. She walked back to the steps of the church and passed back and forth.  
  
"Kathryn, are you ready for this? Do you still want to go through with this?"  
  
"You'd have to tie me up to keep me away. I wouldn't miss this for the world."  
  
He grabbed her hand and they made their way to the church.  
  
* *  
* *  
  
"I now pronounce you man and wife." The doctor's voice resonated through the chapel. "You may know kiss the bride."  
  
Their kiss sealed it. The picture of Chakotay and Kathryn together was tranquil. It had only taken what had seemed like a lifetime to get to this moment though. The ceremony held tears and laughter and some moments of strange unity; for the crew knew that everything was in its rightful place.  
  
Kathryn stared at her husband.She thougth to herself how odd it felt to say 'her husband' but in a way it seemed to fit her. She gazed into Chakotay's warm brown eyes. She knew their future held triumphs and tragedies but for the moment she was grateful for the here and now. 


	4. Unusal Territory

Disclaimer: Star Trek: Voyager belongs to Paramount  
  
Author's notes: I hope you all are enjoying the story so far if you have any suggestions or ideas please tell me. I'm always excited to hear from the readers.  
  
Songs of a life  
  
Chapter Four Unusual Territory  
  
Dust rose from the box Kathryn was holding. She coughed intensely and made her way to her quarters with a box of Chakotay's belongings. They had decided that he would move into her quarters because it was larger. She had never imagined he had this much stored away in the wall of his quarters. There were probably plenty of little secrets he had kept hidden over the years. She entered the door to her quarters, their quarters; she silently corrected herself and made a mental note to lose the habit of calling it her quarters.  
  
Immediately after the door opened she saw Chakotay unpacking yet another box from the now growing mountain he had next to him. She gave him a slight smile and walked to the stack of boxes to unload the last of his clutter.  
  
"What could you possibly have in all of these boxes?" She sarcastically gestured to the mount in front of her.  
  
"Well if you help me unload them you'll know."  
  
"Very funny." She grabbed the cup of coffee on the counter and took a quick break before she dove into the seemingly endless amount of boxes.  
  
* * * *  
*  
  
"What in the world is this?" Kathryn held an old tattered piece of cloth in her hand.  
  
"My great-great grandfather gave that to my dad when he was a child. It's a piece of the headdress of a great chief. My father told me only the pure of heart were even allowed to touch it and those who weren't would immediately feel extremely ill. You seem to have the right touch."  
  
Kathryn gave him a grin and continued to look through the contents of the box.  
  
"Kathryn, I wanted to run an idea by you."  
  
"Shoot."  
  
"Would you ever consider surrogacy?'  
  
"As a means for what?"  
  
"Us."  
  
" No I hadn't." Kathryn's voice portrayed a slight edge.  
  
Chakotay had clearly hit an unexpected nerve. "Is it out of the question?"  
  
"Chakotay I have some crew performance reports to go over before morning. I'd love to continue this conversation but I just don't have the time." She stood and hastily made her way to the door.  
  
Once in the quiet comfort of the corridor she let out a heavy sigh. She rubbed her temples and began down the hallway. Her thoughts where soon interrupted by the beep of her comm. badge.  
  
"Torres to Janeway"  
  
"Go ahead B'Elanna"  
  
"We need you in Engineering"  
  
"On my way, Lieutenant"  
  
The hum of the warp core greeted Kathryn. Crewmen were hurrying about. She made her way to the station where her Chief Engineer was diligently looking over diagnostics.  
  
"What seems to be the problem, B'Elanna?"  
  
"The plasma manifolds aren't holding charges and keep going offline. We checked all sections for plasma leaks but we can't identify the culprute. If they continue in the same pattern we'll lose warp drive and impulse engines. We'll be dead in the water."  
  
Kathryn's finger flew over the keypad processing the readings on the screen. Her demeanor was calm and collective on the outside but she knew what the consequences where if the manifolds disengaged.  
  
"Did you check with astrometrics to see if they had picked up any spatial distortions that might be affecting the charges"?  
  
"No Captain"  
  
Janeway clicked her comm. badge. " Seven have you came across any unusual spatial activity"  
  
"Not even a stray electron, Captain"  
  
Kathryn ended the link and went back to the engineering screen.  
  
" B'Elanna transfer all power cells from holodecks and unessential systems to the warp field. Maybe the extra power will reinforce the manifold packs and hold the surges."  
  
B'Elanna went to work immediately trying to stabilize the most essential system onboard. She moved from station to station imputing data and transferring power. The computer's female voice chimed in. "Warp drive is stabilized."  
  
"Nice job lieutenant. I want constant reading on warp activity. Monitor the packs for the next 24 hours and report to me at 0900 hours. I want to know what caused the lapse in the first place"  
  
"Yes, Ma'am"  
  
Janeway exited engineering with a feeling of relief. Voyager was once again stable.for now. 


	5. Wishful thinking

Disclaimer: Voyager and all of its characters belong to Paramount  
  
Author's notes: The story is coming along a little slower than I thought it would. Please review, if you don't, I don't know if anyone is actually reading this anymore.  
  
Songs of a life  
  
Ch. 5 Wishful thinking  
  
Piles of performance reports and B'Elanna's warp analysis's were scattered across her desk. Auburn hair fell into her view; she brushed the stray hairs behind her ear and continued reading. Fatigue threatened to interfere with her concentration. She was on her third cup of coffee but her constant consumption over the years had worn the affect of the caffeine. She needed sleep but refused to rest until her work was caught up.  
  
*Maybe some music will keep me awake *  
  
"Computer play Janeway-Alpha-12"  
  
The bleak atmosphere was broken by a symphony of illusive sound. Kathryn walked to the window and took a moment to relax in the ease of the music before she dove into another report. She ran her fingers through her hair and rubbed her groggy eyes. She had begun to hum the melody of the song when she felt a hand fall softly on her shoulder. She turned to be greeted by Chakotay.  
  
"Well what do I owe this impromptu visit to?"  
  
"Can't I drop by to tell my wife hello and that I love her."  
  
"How romantic of you, but what did you really come for?"  
  
"Oh, you don't believe me"  
  
Chakotay entangled his arms around her waist and spun her into a deep kiss. She refused to let the moment pass but sooner or later she would have to breath. Chakotay tucked a piece of stray hair behind her ear, as he often did.  
  
"I should have never doubted you." She barley got the words out before she laughed.  
  
"What's got you so occupied these days?"  
  
"Report after report after report. Almost all systems are at peak efficiency but there was a slight problem with the manifold packs yesterday afternoon. They wouldn't hold a charge and the warp core was threatening to de-stabilize."  
  
"Sounds like more that a slight problem to me. What was the culprit?"  
  
"B'Elanna said the source was undetectable. Which worries me but she has been monitoring the core for almost 24 hours and there hasn't been a single problem. I'd like to say that was just a random fluke and nothing further will come of it but my gut tells me otherwise. I'm going to have Harry run a full Ops scan and work with B'Elanna a little more in depth. If the source is still undetectable, we'll have to continue on, business as usual."  
  
"Sounds like they have there work cut out for them. Well if the Captain isn't too busy, I would love to invite her to a private dinner on the holodeck, say 1900 hours."  
  
"I'll relay the message to her." Kathryn smiled and gave Chakotay a wink as he exited towards the bridge. She tapped her comm. badge.  
  
"Janeway to Torres"  
  
"Go ahead, Captain"  
  
"I'm going to have Harry do a full Ops scan and I need you to oversee it and catch the specifics. If you don't find anything continue with normal protocol"  
  
"Yes, Ma'am. I'm on my way."  
  
Kathryn left her ready room to meet B'Elanna and Harry on the bridge. No doubt this would be interesting if they did come across anything.  
  
* * * *  
  
"I can't believe we didn't find a single thing, not even a proton out of place" Harry's youthful voice conveyed a mild wine.  
  
"It's all for the better, Ensign. I'll take peace and quite over turmoil and danger any day, well almost any day." Kathryn smiled at the Ensign. They had spent almost four hours doing full-scale scans and nothing out of the ordinary had come up. She was off duty in ten minutes and was looking forward to a quiet dinner with her husband but there was still something about this whole ordeal that didn't sit well with her.  
  
"Harry I still think there is something we are overlooking. There's nothing more we can do to scan for it but keep your eyes open."  
  
"Yes, Captain"  
  
Kathryn exited the bridge and made her way to her and Chakotay's quarters to change for dinner. The door swished open and she went automatically to her closet. She retrieved a red dancing dress. It resembled a salsa dress but was slightly more elegant. The straps here thin and crisscrossed in the back. The dress's fabric was silk like and fell in waves that swayed with her every step. Kathryn dressed and arranged her hair in a simply beret that allowed her shoulder length hair to flow freely.  
  
"Computer transport to holodeck one"  
  
She would have walked but the sight of her in a salsa dress was not one she wanted her crew seeing. She rematerialized in a restaurant. The room had a dark and warm ambiance. There were small round tables scattered throughout the room and a designated dance floor accompanied them to the right. Kathryn took a moment to search for Chakotay. She found him seated at a table near a window. The table was seat with a bushel of roses as the centerpiece.  
  
"Kathryn, you look amazing" He's speech slowed and he was truly taken aback by her appearance.  
  
"Thank you." Her cheeks began to blush and she couldn't even find the words to tell him that he looked stunning as well.  
  
Chakotay took her hand and lead her to her seat. The waiter immediately arrived at the table to take their drink orders.  
  
"We'll have a bottle of your finest wine." Chakotay spoke with assurance that the restaurant's finest was exactly what he was looking for.  
  
The night passed both slowly and rapidly. The whole evening was perfect from both standpoints but Chakotay knew that he had to get to the real reason for the impromptu dinner. He collected his breath. He touched Kathryn's hand to get her attention and silently prayed she wouldn't ignore the subject like she had before.  
  
"Kathryn, I want to talk to you about something"  
  
"Alright"  
  
"I really want you to consider surrogacy as a means for us to have a child."  
  
"Chakotay this is not the time or place."  
  
"Then lets leave and discuss this in private."  
  
"Why are you pushing this?" She began to raise her voice. She quickly returned to a whisper, when she relieved people had begun to stare.  
  
"Why does this bother you so much?"  
  
"Chakotay lets take this somewhere else. Computer two for transport to captain's quarters."  
  
They both rematerialized in their living quarters. Kathryn walked straight to the bedroom to change out of her dress. Chakotay began to follow but she warned him off with her all to familiar glare.  
  
"Kathryn this isn't going to go away, you know that. All I want to do it merely talk about the idea."  
  
As he finished his sentence, Kathryn walked out of the doorway with her robe on and tears adorning her face. He moved toward her but she once again warded him way. She covered her face with her hand and draped her opposite arm around her waist. She slid down the doorframe and sat on the floor.  
  
"I didn't think the idea would bother me but then you kept insisting we consider it. It finally hit me that I won't get to carry our child. I won't get to spend nine months with it growing inside of me, someone else will."  
  
Chakotay approached her and kneeled next to her. He gave her a moment to think before he tried to add to the conversation.  
  
"If the idea bothers you to this degree then we don't even have to talk about it at all."  
  
"But I want to talk about it. I want to have a child. I just still need some time to get used to it all. It might ease the situation if you told me who you had in mind."  
  
"I had one person in mind but she's up for debate."  
  
"Who"  
  
"B'Elanna." 


	6. For those who cannot

Songs of a life Ch. 6  
  
Disclaimer: Voyager and all of its characters belong to Paramount  
  
The previous night had drained Kathryn. She had been shocked when Chakotay mentioned B'Elanna's name but the more she thought about it, the less it seemed out of the blue. He trusted her. She even trusted her. Yet there was still something that Kathryn didn't like.  
  
Engineering was humming with activity; officers were going from station to station. There was to be an inspection at 0900 hours. B'Elanna had only moments to ensure that everything was in perfect condition. As she completed her thought, the Captain entered Engineering. She looked as she always did, clean uniform and neatly combed hair with a splash of makeup that showed she cared for appearance but wasn't vanity stricken.  
  
"Captain, right this way" B'Elanna ushered the Captain to the main Engineering console.  
  
The inspection took all of a half an hour. In which time Kathryn didn't speak but rather gestured her responses of approval. Kathryn did, however, address B'Elanna as she left Engineering.  
  
"Lieutenant, after you duty shift report to the bridge."  
  
Without giving an explanation, she walked into the corridor and left B'Elanna with a face of confusion.  
  
B'Elanna's shift had come and gone and she was more that curios on the matter the Captain need her for. She walked out of Engineering and into the corridor. As she entered the turbo lift she said "Bridge".  
  
The turbo lift halted and opened its doors to reveal the bridge. B'Elanna's eyes meet Janeway's.  
  
"B'Elanna, my ready room. Tuvok you have the bridge." She motioned for Chakotay to follow them.  
  
By this point B'Elanna's heart was racing with anticipation and wonder. What was so important? Voyager was in perfect condition and hadn't encountered anyone in ages. She reluctantly followed the two into Kathryn's ready room. Once inside she was motioned to take a seat on the couch near the viewport. Chakotay took a seat near her and Janeway remained standing. Both of their faces were serious and showed no sight of what was to come.  
  
"I'm sure your more than curious as to why you're here. So I won't beat around with it. Chakotay and I would like to present you with a rather personnel favor..." Kathryn's face was showing a slight nervous edge, which had never appeared before B'Elanna. B'Elanna was now even more confused than before. "We have been discussing having children but are unable to conceive one by natural means" She was clearly letting B'Elanna peak at the women behind the mask. Janeway's voice was low and husky as always but with a very noticeable edge.  
  
"I'm not seeing where I come in in all of this?" B'Elanna finally asked.  
  
"We have been considering alternate means and surrogacy is at the top of our list. B'Elanna we both greatly trust you." Chakotay chimed in.  
  
It was becoming clear what their request was going to be and she had to admit, she would never in a million years have imagined she would be in this position, especially with these two asking.  
  
"Would you consider being our child's surrogate mother?" Kathryn asked clearly putting herself on the line.  
  
"I...What...Why me?"  
  
"We both have great faith in you and trust you with something of this magnitude. You don't have to answer now but please consider it."  
  
B'Elanna nodded her head in response and quickly stood to leave. The ready room door hissed shut and left a very nervous couple in its mist. She headed straight to her quarters and changed into her off duty clothes.  
  
Why do they think that I am the person to carry their child? Chakotay and I have been close friends for years yes but... Am I ready for this? Can I handle being pregnant right now? Do I even want to do this for them?  
  
B'Elanna sat in silence for hours and she kept recalling the desperate look engraved on Janeway's face. She knew what she had to do for her friend and for her sanity.  
  
Kathryn and Chakotay were asleep in their quarters when a chirp came from the door. Kathryn rubbed her weary eyes and said 'Come in'. A dark shadow stood in the doorway.  
  
"Computer. Lights at fifteen percent illumination"  
  
The lights revealed B'Elanna in a white shirt and black pants. Kathryn invited her in and gestured to her living room sofa. B'Elanna took a seat and Kathryn did the same. A moment of silence passed before B'Elanna spoke.  
  
"I wanted too..." Her voice trailed off. She took a second to collect her thoughts and continued. All of the while, Kathryn sat patiently waiting for what B'Elanna had to say.  
  
"I thought about...I know that...I ...I'll do it"  
  
Kathryn's face instantly cheered and she brought B'Elanna into an affectionate embrace. She began to cry with joy and B'Elanna felt the tears on her shoulder. She wasn't expecting it to affect Janeway in such a way. When Kathryn let go of B'Elanna, a tear-drowned face came forth. Both were overwhelmed and with in moments were greeted by the half a sleep Chakotay.  
  
"Chakotay, she'll do it!"  
  
Chakotay gave an enormous smile and embraced B'Elanna as well.  
  
"When did you plan on the procedure taking place?" B'Elanna was now rather curious as to the details.  
  
"As soon as your comfortable."  
  
"Nothing's stopping us. How about later this week."  
  
"If that's alright with you"  
  
"It is."  
  
Sickbay seemed rather chilly today and somewhat frightening. B'Elanna was scheduled to under go the invitro at 1100 hours. She had spent the week thinking and relaxing before she underwent such a task. She was unwilling to admit she was slightly afraid but a strand of excitement helped keep her calm. Kathryn and Chakotay enter sickbay to talk to B'Elanna before the procedure.  
  
"How are you feeling?" Chakotay asked.  
  
"Good. I'm ready to start though."  
  
"Kathryn and I are going to be waiting on the bridge during the procedure to give you some privacy."  
  
They both exited and left B'Elanna and the doctor in silence. She was told the procedure wouldn't take to long of a period of time.  
  
"Are you ready?" The Doctor dryly asked.  
  
"Yes"   
  
Kathryn and Chakotay returned as soon as the doctor had informed them that the procedure was complete. They were greeted by B'Elanna lying on a biobed with her face turned in the opposite direction as them. Kathryn went to the bed and placed a hand on her shoulder.  
  
"It worked. I'm pregnant"  
  
Kathryn turned to her husband Chakotay kissed her. She then turned back to B'Elanna. She gave her a look of complete gratitude as she lightly touched B'Elanna's stomach.  
  
Author's notes: Sorry for the incredibly long wait but I simply didn't have the time or drive. Please review I hope you enjoyed it. I will try to update faster for the next chapter. 


	7. Much needed Hope

* * *

Songs of a life Ch.7  
  
Author's note: It has been quite a while since I have updated this story and my others for that matter. My apologies and I hope you enjoy the last stretch of this story.  
  
_Much needed hope_  
  
With every step she took, pain scaled her spin and caused her to wince. Barely eight months pregnant, B'Elanna made her way to her quarters. It amazed her that something as small as a baby could cause such discomfort.  
  
The past months had passed with ease. No complications with her pregnancy, Voyager hadn't encountered any species of threat and she had surprisingly not come upon anything overly difficult pertaining to Engineering. The last problem she could remember was right before Chakotay and the Captain had approached her about the baby. The plasma manifolds weren't holding charges and causing both impulse and warp engines to disengage, oddly the problem was simple to fix and had disappeared after she reinforced the manifold packs.  
  
B'Elanna was grateful for the calmness that had engulfed Voyager. In the wake of sudden tranquility, she had begun to develop quite the friendship with Janeway, not by her own will. But eventually B'Elanna realized the comfort that Janeway exuded and she was grateful that Janeway had been so protective of her. After all she was carrying the captain's baby.  
  
At first, the captain would visit at least twice a day "to make sure you're alright" as she so often put it. Each visit would be a little longer than the previous and their conversations would take on a more personal aspect every time. She had even gone as far as asking B'Elanna to call her Kathryn when off duty. B'elanna never took her up on the offer. Janeway had also asked her to take a maternity leave as soon as she was 35 weeks but she declined to that as well and maintained the attitude that she was perfectly capable of working, despite her growing stomach and frustrations.

* * *

Kathryn rushed about the quarters preparing for diner while Chakotay was dressing in the next room. They had decided to move their diner with B'Elanna up an hour because of the lack of activities on Voyager. However, they hadn't anticipated how long it would take to dress and prepare dinner and B'Elanna was expected to show up any minute. Kathryn was still running around trying to set the table and pin her hair up when the door chimed.  
  
"Just one moment." She rushed around trying to fix all she could with the few seconds she had left. "Come in"  
  
B'Elanna entered wearing a light blue maternity dress and her hair down around her face. She was carrying a bouquet of flowers that she automatically handed to Kathryn.  
  
"Thank you but flowers weren't necessary."  
  
"I wanted to thank you and Chakotay for diner," she looked around for a moment and said "By the way where is he?"  
  
"I'm coming, I'm coming" Chakotay ran out of the bedroom still trying to arrange his shirt. At the sight of him, both of the women began to laugh.  
  
"That's quite the welcome Chakotay."  
  
"Anytime B'Elanna."  
  
"Shall we sit" Kathryn motioned towards the table.  
  
All three moved towards the table. B'Elanna and Chakotay took their seats while Kathryn brought a platter of food over from the replicator.  
  
"So what are we..." B'Elanna was interrupted by a jolt from the ship and a sudden black out. Before anyone knew what had happened the lights came back on.  
  
"Janeway to Bridge"  
  
"Captain, warp engines and impulse abruptly went offline as well as all power except for life support. We have lights, turbolifts and sickbay online again but all engines and weapons are unoporational."  
  
"We're on our way." She immediately rose from her seat and headed for the bridge with Chakotay and B'Elanna close behind.  
  
"Report" Janeway ordered as soon as the turbolift opened.  
  
"Captain, we haven't been able to get engines and weapons online again but we have found the reason they suddenly shut off. The plasma manifolds aren't holding charges and if we attempt to re-initialize the warp core or the weapons bay they will overload."  
  
"Plasma manifolds? We had the same problem eight months ago but we solved it. Obviously we didn't have the right solution." Janeway made her way over to the Ops station where Harry Kim was reading off what he knew of the problem so far.  
  
"Run a level nine diagnostic on the manifolds themselves to make sure the plasma walls haven't began to decompose." B'Elanna chimed in. Harry did as she instructed.  
  
"They seem to be virtually none existent. Almost as if a toxin made it's way into the bioneural circuitry and ate at the wall like a virus. I'll search the system for any parasites."  
  
"If there is a toxin affecting the bioneural circuits wouldn't it affect the crew as well and how would it have degraded the entire propulsion and weapons systems without us detecting some sort of problem before." Chakotay asked what Janeway was already contemplating.  
  
"Unless it's specifically formulated to affect our propulsion and weapons systems. It could also be rapid enough that once it begins to attack the system, degradation happens at such a rate to where system failures appear on a mass scale first. But why would this parasite only affect these specific systems. If it is indeed a virus the entire network on the ship would be affected. All are connected through the bioneural pathways from replacators to environmental control."  
  
Janeway walked over to the tactical station where Tuvok was.  
  
"Any ideas Lieutenant?"  
  
"It appears to me that we are under attack. By those who wish to leave us incapable of defending ourselves. It would be illogical to rule out a natural phenomenon but the evidence in this instance points to sabotage."  
  
"B'Elanna go to engineering and see if you can find a way to bring at least impulse back online."  
  
"Aye Captain"  
  
"Tuvok try and get some weapons online. Even if all you can get is phasers. I want to be prepared for whatever it is we are battling here. Harry have you found anything?"  
  
"There was a trail of biomatter residue left behind on the interior lining of the manifolds. I ran it through the ships database. The DNA doesn't register with any know federation parasites."  
  
"That's not a surprise. Nice work Ensign. Use long-range scanners and look for any ships in the vicinity. They are most likely cloaked but I'd like to get a head start if they are out there. Chakotay join me in my ready room."  
  
She walked to the ready room door and motioned Chakotay in. After the door closed she went directly to her desk.  
  
"I want you to go to Engineering and make sure everything is running smoothly down there. Keep an eye on B'Elanna, she's in no condition for a battle."  
  
"Don't you think you're being too protective of her? She is perfectly capable of maintaining Engineering."  
  
"Chakotay, she's carrying very precious cargo and I would feel more comfortable if I knew she was being looked after. I might be a little over cautious but this is our child I'm talking about."  
  
"Alright but I don't think she will be to happy about me watching over her shoulder."

* * *

"Ensign realign the warp trajectory and reinitialize the particle injector."  
  
"Yes Ma'am"  
  
B'Elanna was trying an old Maquis trick to get the impulse engines online. They would only last a few hours but she didn't have any other options at the moment. She made her way over to the main engineering console and as she began to work the same ensign she instructed to realign the warp trajectory called out to her.  
  
"Lieutenant that console is going to overloading, move..."  
  
A huge cascade of light hit B'Elanna in the face and flung her to the ground. She landed on her side barely missing her stomach. The console she was near was smoking and had taken three other crew members out along with B'Elanna. Chakotay entered Engineering as the console exploded. He covered his eyes from the blast and rushed over to where the officers were laying. B'Elanna's face was severely burnt and she was unconscious; the other three weren't badly hurt and were being attended to. Chakotay placed B'Elanna's head in his lap.  
  
"Sickbay Medical emergency, two to beam!" 


	8. Final Voyage

_**Disclaimer: Star Trek: Voyager belongs to Paramount**_

Final Voyage

Sickbay was already at full capacity when B'Elanna and Chakotay materialized. There were several burn cases, an ensign with a broken arm and a lieutenant with a skull fracture. The doctor was running from bed to bed injecting hyposprays and setting diagnoses.

Chakotay lifted the still unconscious B'Elanna to the only vacant biobed. The doctor approached in the same manner he always did until he realized his next patient was B'Elanna

"Commander, what happened?"

"A consul exploded directly in front of her, the blast injured three other crew members but she took the hardest blow"

The doctor opened his medical tricorder and hoped the fetus was still a live. He immediately scanned her entire body starting with her abdomen and finishing with a scan of her cranial pathways.

"The baby is alive but has a very faint heartbeat. We need to get her out immediately. She has massive internal bleeding. Her thoracic aorta has been severed and she will bleed out in a matter of minutes if we don't operate"

"Then start the operation, save her!"

"Commander, I can't perform surgery and have time to save the baby as well it's one or the other."

* * *

"Captain, I have detected three ships uncloaking on our starboard. They are charging …"

Before Harry could finish his statement a ray of light struck the ship and violently shock it. Janeway tapped her commbadge.

"Janeway to Engineering, B'Elanna do we have any propulsion available?"

Janeway was surprised to be greeted by Vorik's voice instead of Lieutenant Torres's.

"Lieutenant Torres as been taken to sickbay she was involved in a console explosion. We don't have any engines available at this time. I can get impulse working in a half an hour but no sooner."

"Try to speed that time up. Janeway out"

Janeway's face turned white immediately. She knew there was no way that B'Elanna could have escaped the explosion unharmed. Her next instinct was to run to sickbay and check on B'Elanna and her unborn child but Kathryn knew she had more immediate dangers to deal with.

"Tuvok do we have any weaponry at our disposal." Janeway barked towards the tactical station.

"We have minimal phasers online. The photon torpedoes are un operational."

"Hit them with whatever we have. Target their weapons systems. Fire at will!"

"No effect. Their shields have been undamaged."

"We need a brilliant idea right about now. Who's got one for me?" Janeway was still calm though the circumstances were grim.

Tom chimed in "Our tractor beam is operational we could tractor them in and deploy a refractional pulse that would shut down there polarized shields and they would be defenseless. That might scare them off and if not our phasers would do the trick with their shields down"

Janeway turned to Tuvok with determination. "Do it!" Her gaze was fixed on the viewscreen. The green light of the tractor beam locked on to the lead ship and incapacitated it. The pulse was emitted as soon as the lock on the ship was secure.

"Their shields are offline." Tuvok reported.

Before he could finish the report, a second pulse cascaded toward Voyager. It hit the ship with a vengeance and shock Voyager to the point where Janeway thought the hule might breach. Voyage lost the tractor on the lead ship and by the time anyone could react the ships had jumped to warp and were out of sensor range. Janeway lifted herself from were she had been knocked to the floor.

"Report!"

" We were hit with a moderated version of the pulse we used to disable their shields. Weapons, engines and life support systems are at critical. The degraded gel packs are barely holding." Harry answered.

"Reroute all auxiliary power to sickbay and life support. Try to initialize a force field around essential gel packs and keep their containment. Send repair teams to engineering and all other critical areas. If our friends show up again, I want to be able to give them a warm welcome. Tuvok you have the bridge. I'll be in sickbay."

Janeway expected the worst when she entered sickbay and she wasn't far off. She saw Chakotay standing near the bed where B'Elanna was lying. What she hadn't expected was to see Chakotay's tear stained face. Janeway rushed to his side praying her fears were unfounded.

"I'm sorry Captain. We lost her." The doctor's voice said somberly.

Janeway's chest felt like it had collapsed upon itself and her heart had seized to beat. Her legs felt weak and she began to lose her balance. Before she could brace herself on the biobed, her knees hit the sickbay floor. Chakotay instinctively tried to catch her but failed and saw her frail form fall. Kathryn didn't begin to irrationally sob but rather sat very still and quietly as a solitary tear meet her cheek. She began to mumble under her breath.

"_Why did I have to lose them both?"_

Suddenly there was a muffled whine that caused Kathryn to lift her head. Chakotay knelt next to her with an infant in his arms. Grief and misery were still overwhelming to her but the most omitted joy surged through Kathryn's veins. She touched the infant's delicate skin and for a moment grasped the price that B'Elanna had to pay for this miracle. The realization caused Kathryn to move away from the child and rush out of sickbay.

Once in her quarters, Kathryn allowed herself to fall apart, to finally indulge in her inner most demons and feel unworthy of contentment. Had she wanted motherhood so much that she was oblivious to the risks it presented to B'Elanna? Was she to blame for her premature death and for the pain that would be caused by it?

Chakotay entered the room with a sullen express upon his face. "Kathryn?" She wasn't even aware of his presence. She was too engulfed in her own inner struggle to notice. He placed a hand on her arm and waited for her to acknowledge him. She slowly met his gaze with tormented eyes.

"Chakotay, what happened in there? Why did our baby survive but B'Elanna didn't?"

"At first she had extensive internal bleeding and the doctor was going to perform surgery but after the first weapons fire B'Elanna went into cardiac arrest. There was no way we could have saved her. The baby would have died to if the doctor hadn't performed an immediate fetal transport."

"Leave."

"Kathryn?"

"Please Chakotay, just leave."

* * *

It was discover that Voyager had been attacked by a native species to the area. Which according to Seven was known for their toxic pathogens and their looting of disabled ships. They had picked up Voyager bioneural systems on a long-range scan and had been intrigued by its advanced technology. They had been following Voyager for months waiting for their pathogens to full disable the ship. They hadn't realized the complexity of Voyager and had waited for longer than expected. They had been surprised by the ingenuity of the tractor beam disablement of their shield and wouldn't be back for a fight.

It took Kathryn a week to finally meet the infant. She had amerced herself in her work and didn't even acknowledge the baby's presence. Almost the entire crew had met the baby but for Kathryn the pain was still new and she still blamed herself for B'Elanna's death. She finally realized there was a child who needed a mother and Kathryn was it, weather she felt she deserved it or not. Chakotay had cared for the baby in his old quarters after Kathryn had asked him to leave. He knew she was grieving but so was everyone. He couldn't help but feel angry with her for blaming herself for something no one had any control over.

Kathryn entered the bedroom looking rather ashamed. An emotion she had never let be know to Chakotay before. He was cradling the child and rose to meet Kathryn. Her face was washed out and pale and he could only guess how agonizing the past week had been. He could tell she had spent her night crying her frustrations and guilt away. She slowly moved closer to her husband and child. It took her a minute to summon the courage to speak.

"I'm sorry."

"I know"

"May I see the baby?" Kathryn whispered.

"She's been waiting to met you."

"She?"

"I thought the doctor told you the baby's sex?"

"No. What's her name?"

"I thought I'd leave that to you."

He gently handed the sleeping infant to the trembling Kathryn. She began to softly cry when she felt the baby's chest rise and fall. She had been a fool to lose a week of her daughter's life, to succumb to her own selfish agenda.

Chakotay lightly rubbed her arm with reassurance. As he watched them he saw a single tear fall on the baby's arm and wake her. Kathryn saw her daughter's eyes for the first time and in her splendor knew what the baby's name was to be.

"B'Elanna."

The End

Author's note:

This story has taken a huge chunk of time to finish but I'm delighted to be able to rap it up and present it to you all. I sincerely apologize for the few months were there wasn't an update. I hope it was worth the wait. I'm trying to update and eventually finish my story 'Abandoned' as well. Thank you for reading.

Celine Janeway


End file.
